A few weeks ago, I pulled into the McDonald’s drive-thru in the Skylake plaza at approximately 11:30 at night. I ordered a BBQ Ranch Burger, 10 chicken nuggets, an order of fries and three diabetes-inducing cookies. A meal fit for a king, and it only cost me four dollars and twenty-seven cents.

The service was faster than any restaurant I’ve ever been to in my life, and I didn’t even have to leave a tip! Their calorie-to-dollar value is unparalleled – as I drove off with my 1,558 calorie meal, I couldn’t help but think how Ray Kroc, the owner of this wonderful restaurant chain, would make a wonderful president.

When life gave Kroc artificial growth hormones, he made 99 cent hamburgers. And that’s exactly the kind of leader that America needs. We need a leader that gets the most out of each of his cows, a leader that sees a need for super-sized burgers and seizes the opportunity. We need a businessman – and a good one, at that.

Besides, running a nation can’t be that far off from running a restaurant chain; just keep the place clean, keep the people well fed and distract them with some music. It’s really not that hard.

Some think that just because Kroc’s net worth was enough to buy 50,000,000,000 chicken nuggets, he doesn’t understand the hardships many American citizens endure. This guy has struggles of his own, like keeping his arm hair from getting caught in his Rolex or being crushed by his retirement fund – he’s human too.

The facts are there – America’s future looks a lot brighter with businessmen in charge. Just think of the things we’d be able to accomplish: 99 cent burgers would make hunger a thing of the past, and unemployment rates would fall through the floor as the number of McDonald’s employees and aerobics instructors would grow faster than a colony of E. Coli on room temperature Canadian Beef.

So, I have a message for all the politicians out there: Your time is over. The era of politicians has come to an end – it’s time for you to step down and let the pros do their job. Welcome to the golden age of businessmen… and Kanye West.